FIFTY SHADES OF CONFUSED…A HUMOROUS CRITIQUE.

Fifty Shades of Grey

Ok, I admit, I finally caved to the Fifty Shades of Grey craze and purchased the book on my new Nook. I started the book last night and am now on page 233 of 391 and frankly, I find myself a bit confused…

I mean, I completely understand the….intrigue. Christian Grey is a bit William Baldwin (via Sliver) meets Richard Gere (via Pretty Woman) and I can definitely see the impeccable Ryan Gossling in the role (Sorry Matt Bomer – you just don’t do it for me! Well, maybe a little…). But considering the amateur erotica meets S&M on every other page, I’m actually quite surprised the book has gained such an avid following! Who knew that the good ol’ US of A (and beyond!) was oozing with such sexually submissive aspirations? The trilogy has already outsold Harry Potter (per Amazon) – seriously people, that’s a lot of pent up sexual frustration! And if you really think about it, the fact that it will soon be transformed to the big screen is a bit amusing. Of course, I have every intention of seeing it – curiosity always gets the better of me – but really, I’m going to be sitting in a theater with a bunch of old women watching what should probably be an X-rated movie. Hilarious.

I’m probably going to piss of a lot off people by saying this, but in reality, the book is not well written. It’s like the adult version of Twilight (thank God Robert Pattinson was not cast for the role of Christian in the movie!!) – rather than a statuesque and aloof vampire named Edward, there is a delicious, very wealthy, and aloof God of a man named Christian. And rather than an over-zealous and under-confident fool of a girl named Bella (ditto on Kristen Stewart!), there is an over-zealous and under-confident fool of a girl named Anastasia. One just happens to be slightly more chaste than the other…but both leave you wondering why these stoic, intelligent beyond-their-years men (or vampires…) would have any interest in these flippant little girls (what do they have that I don’t have?!).

Oh My…talk about an overused phrase! Other than down there, of course. Really? There are dozens of references to genital clamps and anal fisting (my apologies to those that are faint of mind. I’m simply referring to imageries in the book…), but one cannot use the word vagina? I mean, how utterly, unapologetically offensive would that be?!

Don’t get me wrong, I don’t entirely dislike the book. I mean, I’ve read 233 pages in a matter of hours – there’s something to be said for that. It’s all very intriguing and suspenseful, kind of like a romantic horror, and it’s likely that I may have a dream or two filled with Christian-like endeavors, none of which I will ever tell a single soul – except my inner Goddess and subconscious mind, both of which are two very prominent characters for Ms. Anastasia Steele. Not to mention, I’m certain most women (myself included) would be dumbfounded in a very, very good way if their man took the reigns and acted the Dominant every once on a while – even if it’s just in the kitchen to whip up a nice batch of peanut butter and chocolate chip cookies!

Dominant: Sit back and relax, baby, and stay very still as you watch The Notebook and drool over Ryan Gossling. In the meantime, I’m going to bake things for you that you never even dreamed of…

Sumbmissive: Yes, Sir…

But, for me, there are many things that I find incredibly disturbing about the book…

1. I’m not one to judge, and I’m all for a fella that knows how to takes charge, but the whole I own you and you can no longer have any free will in my presence thing kind of freaks me out. Plus, I am the Queen of Eye Rolling, so I just don’t think the whole Submissive thing would work well for me.

2. Ouch. On many levels.

3. Does the girl ever actually eat?

4. Seriously, the first time really doesn’t happen like that. It just doesn’t.

5. A little stalker, are we?

Alas, I’m still quite curious what the next 158 pages will bring! I mean, I haven’t even gotten to the Red Room of Pain…oh, the suspense!

What do you think – have you read the book? If so, did you like it – a lot? If not, do you plan to (I must have pique your interest just a little!)? I’d love to hear your thoughts!

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